Rethinking the Causes of Challenging Behaviors in Children

For decades, the prevailing belief about challenging behavior in children—let’s call it the conventional wisdom—has been that such behavior is learned. The idea is that children discover these behaviors help them gain attention or get their way, often because parents are perceived as too passive or inconsistent. From this perspective, the solution is better parenting and tighter discipline.

This traditional approach often includes:

• Providing attention for good behavior and ignoring unwanted behavior

• Issuing clearer commands and expecting immediate compliance

• Tracking behaviors and linking them to rewards or punishments

• Ensuring parents never “give in” to challenging behavior

While these strategies may sound reasonable, they rest on a problematic assumption: that the behavior is intentional and manipulative.

In reality, challenging behaviors usually indicate that a child is struggling to meet certain expectations, not that they are seeking attention. Ignoring the behavior to avoid giving “negative attention” can mean missing vital opportunities to understand and address the underlying difficulties.

Most children with challenging behaviours already understand expectations—they simply have trouble meeting them. Demanding rapid compliance, especially when the child is struggling, can escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Similarly, while rewards and punishments can motivate, they are unnecessary if the child is already trying their best. Many children have already experienced numerous consequences without lasting improvement—because the root causes have not been addressed.

The key is shifting from power struggles to collaborative problem-solving. By focusing on what’s making it hard for the child to meet expectations, parents can work together with their child to find solutions that last.

Reference: Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child. HarperCollins.