The Silent Struggle of Expressing Needs

For many people, openly expressing their needs can feel intimidating or even unsafe. From a young age, we may learn—through family, culture, or personal experiences—that asking for what we want is selfish, shameful, or will only lead to rejection. Over time, these lessons can create patterns of silence, resentment, or roundabout ways of communicating that rarely get our needs met.

Instead of saying directly, “I’m feeling tired and I’d like some time to rest tonight,” many people end up justifying or defending their needs: “I’ve been busy all day, running errands, finishing chores, taking care of things—so maybe I could … ?” This indirect approach often fails to connect with others and may even evoke resistance rather than empathy. The result is a painful cycle in which individuals feel unheard, unvalued, and increasingly convinced that their needs don’t matter.

One striking example comes from a story of someone who, after decades of frustration in a relationship, realized they had never once clearly communicated their needs to their partner. Growing up, they had been discouraged from asking for things and instead learned to hint, suppress, or even create elaborate strategies to have their desires met. While these coping mechanisms sometimes worked in the short term, they reinforced a lifelong struggle with direct self-expression and left their relationships strained.

This highlights an essential psychological truth: unspoken needs don’t disappear. When pushed aside, they often resurface as resentment, frustration, or unhealthy behaviors. Learning to voice needs openly and without apology is not a sign of weakness or selfishness—it is a cornerstone of self-respect and healthy connection.

Therapy, communication skills training, and approaches such as Nonviolent Communication can help individuals build the courage and clarity to express their needs. By doing so, we not only honor ourselves but also give others the chance to meet us with understanding and care.

Reference:

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides). PuddleDancer Press.